Gripe, gripe, gripe

I need to gripe.  I can't gripe to my sisters, they will tell.  So I will gripe privately.

Caregiving is the pitts.  Say Yes to everything.  Never disagree.  Be passive agressive with Mom.  Even when she says she wants to cook, drive, whatever.

Honestly, if I wanted her dead, I would let her drive and I wouldn't care if she didn't take her meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And walking Amy's dog is miserable!!!!! She constantly pulls out of her collar - my dogs are faster - I want to pull my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I am done with my pity party.  Maybe.

I Wish I Had Someone To Talk To

It is strange, this household.  My sister is working full time out of the house, which is great.  She is injured, her pets are injured - they need lots of care.  My sister is pretty self reliant.  She can leave and do what she wants, have a massage, go shopping.  She eats a very strange diet, but no one has to fix it for her - cereal, Chipolte.  
I fix my mothers meals - all of them - breakfast, lunch and dinner.  She prefers to eat in her room.  I eat whatever, by myself.  The only time we eat together is Sunday dinner.  Every third week is mine to cook - so....

It doesn't matter.  I have no one to talk to.  No one to eat with.  My mother hates what I fix.  She would rather drink wine and eat potato chips.  She always asks me if I need money.  Why doesn't she THINK that I do - I don't work outside of the house!  I HATE asking for money.  I hate my life.
I feel as if I have no control over anything.
I don't know anyone here and my friends I guess aren't really friends, they don't write or call.  I am the anomoly.  Not married.  No kids.  Live at home and take care of mother.  Nothing good about that.

I always put on the good face.  I take care of my animals.  I am a good person.  I just feel like I am not here.

It Never Ends

You would think that 3 women could communicate together and live together.  It is such a good idea to live together, but I don't think the pieces work together sometimes.

There is always an issue with money with Mom. 

I need to get a job and have my own money.  As soon as this house is together and summer is over, I am going job hunting.  I hate being dependent.  Amy pays me $500.00 a month and I hate it.  But she doesn't get it.

It would be ideal, one day, if I lived by myself.  It has never happened and I would like to try it out. But I don't have to.  I don't even know how to hold a conversation any more.

It is my birthday coming up and for the first time, no strawberry shortcake with the old people at Ginger Cove - I am going to make it my self - it might be a little tricky making it for a small number.

I feel like I am just in limbo.  Not going anywhere.  And no one cares.

Happy Thanksgiving

It was a beautiful Thanksgiving - it could not have been nicer.  I am not sure why, but I felt like I didn't belong.  I felt outside of everything.  Maybe it was me.
All I want to do it cry, my stomach is in knots.  And quite honestly, I don't want to move with Amy to Durham.  Mom and I should downsize and move to a smaller house or something.  But I don't want to move where I don't know anything - and have a larger feeling of what I am feeling now. 
I am feeling sorry for myself.  I will get over this and will probably move to Durham.  I just don't belong anywhere.  I don't have my own. 
And who do I say this to?  People will get their feelings hurt.  I will be selfish or told that I am selfish.  I never win, if winning is the issue.  It isn't, but I sometimes wish things were different.  Don't know how different.  I am just cranky and my feelings were hurt.  I know...suck it up and get over it.  And I will.

Never Win ~ Never Come in Close!

I took my mother's ipad to the Apple Doctor's Office because it needed to be tweaked.  Love the Apple staff, they fixed it.  

Came home and she says to me "Come in ~ I just want someone to talk to."  It makes me cringe.  Talk about what?  This is the lady who told me basically to take my stuff upstairs and keep it there. I have years of this behavior.  I know.  I should have sat down and talked.  I was nice, I gave her the mango ice that was in the freezer, I am doing her laundry...........

I can internalize this and make it my fault.  It is no one's fault.  She is my mother and I am supposed to love her.  I don't like her.  And, I really don't love her much.  

I imagine people have these feelings also.  Spouses.  Siblings.  Sons and daughters.  I am not going to be crazy.  I am not going to cry.  I am going to do the best I can.  What is the saying.....Keep Calm and Carry On.  That is going to be my mantra.

Too Much Noise

I have alot of words in my head ~ sad, angry, frustrated ~ I feel less than myself.  I feel that I am not appreciated at home ~ which may be a "normal" feeling for alot of people.  I feel that I am not ... what....I know I am not employed and that is getting to be frustrating.  I have no money, so that is frustrating.  I feel bad for my sister because her husband is not treating her right.  My sister told me she would pay me for taking care of her animals while she was gone, and she hasn't.  Of course I told her that I would do it for free, but she insisted and hasn't.  One of my sisters says the other sisters should all pay a stipend to me for taking care of mom, but they don't want to.  Mom told me she didn't like my computer down on the kitchen table because she "used to sit at the table for 30 years for dinner" and now she can't.  

She eats all her meals in the library.  And the kitchen table is clear and my computer is upstairs with me in my room.  My only space besides the bathroom.  

I am definitely feeling sorry for myself today.  Both dogs, my shadows, are on the bed.  They want to be with me. 

This is a real pity party today.  

So.  I have two places to apply for work, which I will do.  I will be good to myself.  I will write some letters.  I will take a nap.  And it will be ok.  I will disregard the noise and add music.

I Hate My Mother

Is this wrong?  I don't hate her, really.  I just don't like her.  We would never be friends.  I guess we could agree to disagree about everything.  Today, I am not sure what happened.  But I was wrong in every way.  Mom said to me "I used to sit in the kitchen everyday for 30 years, I would like to get back to it".  Which was her way of telling me to get my computer off the kitchen table.  So, I have moved all my stuff into my room ~ and I have nothing of mine downstairs.  Which works for me.  I was just downstairs so I could be close to her daily, while she sits in the library every day.  She even has her meals in there!  Works for me.

I actually cried.  Not in front of her.  I cried at Nancy's while I took care of her animals.  But I am better than that and I am better than her.  I have bent over backwards to take care of her and I will continue.  Because I am not going to feel guilty and I am going to sleep at night.  Mom is exactly like Sissy.  Both mean and self centered.  I have stopped that line - I don't have any children and I am not going to have any.  

I am actually having a drink to settle down and be able to drive her to meet everyone for dinner.  I may just drink dinner.  And smile.