Happy Thanksgiving

It was a beautiful Thanksgiving - it could not have been nicer.  I am not sure why, but I felt like I didn't belong.  I felt outside of everything.  Maybe it was me.
All I want to do it cry, my stomach is in knots.  And quite honestly, I don't want to move with Amy to Durham.  Mom and I should downsize and move to a smaller house or something.  But I don't want to move where I don't know anything - and have a larger feeling of what I am feeling now. 
I am feeling sorry for myself.  I will get over this and will probably move to Durham.  I just don't belong anywhere.  I don't have my own. 
And who do I say this to?  People will get their feelings hurt.  I will be selfish or told that I am selfish.  I never win, if winning is the issue.  It isn't, but I sometimes wish things were different.  Don't know how different.  I am just cranky and my feelings were hurt.  I know...suck it up and get over it.  And I will.

Never Win ~ Never Come in Close!

I took my mother's ipad to the Apple Doctor's Office because it needed to be tweaked.  Love the Apple staff, they fixed it.  

Came home and she says to me "Come in ~ I just want someone to talk to."  It makes me cringe.  Talk about what?  This is the lady who told me basically to take my stuff upstairs and keep it there. I have years of this behavior.  I know.  I should have sat down and talked.  I was nice, I gave her the mango ice that was in the freezer, I am doing her laundry...........

I can internalize this and make it my fault.  It is no one's fault.  She is my mother and I am supposed to love her.  I don't like her.  And, I really don't love her much.  

I imagine people have these feelings also.  Spouses.  Siblings.  Sons and daughters.  I am not going to be crazy.  I am not going to cry.  I am going to do the best I can.  What is the saying.....Keep Calm and Carry On.  That is going to be my mantra.

Too Much Noise

I have alot of words in my head ~ sad, angry, frustrated ~ I feel less than myself.  I feel that I am not appreciated at home ~ which may be a "normal" feeling for alot of people.  I feel that I am not ... what....I know I am not employed and that is getting to be frustrating.  I have no money, so that is frustrating.  I feel bad for my sister because her husband is not treating her right.  My sister told me she would pay me for taking care of her animals while she was gone, and she hasn't.  Of course I told her that I would do it for free, but she insisted and hasn't.  One of my sisters says the other sisters should all pay a stipend to me for taking care of mom, but they don't want to.  Mom told me she didn't like my computer down on the kitchen table because she "used to sit at the table for 30 years for dinner" and now she can't.  

She eats all her meals in the library.  And the kitchen table is clear and my computer is upstairs with me in my room.  My only space besides the bathroom.  

I am definitely feeling sorry for myself today.  Both dogs, my shadows, are on the bed.  They want to be with me. 

This is a real pity party today.  

So.  I have two places to apply for work, which I will do.  I will be good to myself.  I will write some letters.  I will take a nap.  And it will be ok.  I will disregard the noise and add music.

I Hate My Mother

Is this wrong?  I don't hate her, really.  I just don't like her.  We would never be friends.  I guess we could agree to disagree about everything.  Today, I am not sure what happened.  But I was wrong in every way.  Mom said to me "I used to sit in the kitchen everyday for 30 years, I would like to get back to it".  Which was her way of telling me to get my computer off the kitchen table.  So, I have moved all my stuff into my room ~ and I have nothing of mine downstairs.  Which works for me.  I was just downstairs so I could be close to her daily, while she sits in the library every day.  She even has her meals in there!  Works for me.

I actually cried.  Not in front of her.  I cried at Nancy's while I took care of her animals.  But I am better than that and I am better than her.  I have bent over backwards to take care of her and I will continue.  Because I am not going to feel guilty and I am going to sleep at night.  Mom is exactly like Sissy.  Both mean and self centered.  I have stopped that line - I don't have any children and I am not going to have any.  

I am actually having a drink to settle down and be able to drive her to meet everyone for dinner.  I may just drink dinner.  And smile.

An Ending, A Beginning

I am a caregiver, a nurturer - but I am not a parent.  I care for my siblings and their families.  I cared for my grandparents and my parents.  And yet, I am alone.

I have started this as a sort of diary of feelings, because it is often easier to not open up and say how I really feel. 

I am a talker, and it is too easy to open up and tell stories - I love stories - but I have stories that I can tell to my family and stories I can tell to my friends and stories to tell strangers.  But real feelings often remain untold.

I talk to God at night or when I walk my dogs - but I have heard that it is better to write them down.  A diary.  A diary that is private - not kept on a shelf.  Not where someone can find it and read what I feel.

I wish it was easier, but I know there are certain things I can say to certain people.  I sure would be easier to say what I really think, but others are so prickly.

This is a beginning -

In so many ways my life has abruptly changed.  I thought I would work until the day I died and all of a sudden, I don't have a job.  It is freeing and frightening.  I need to work, I like to work.  But do I want to do the same work?  Unemployment offers the opportunity to apply for grants and go back to school.  I'd like to, but in what?  It is a lot to think about.

I have to apply for jobs in order to get unemployment.  And this economy is tough.  

The down side is that losing my job has negated what I knew for so long - it has caused me to think that I have wasted so much time.

It is a beginning.